Five Things You Did to Change 2012

Hollywood is more short-sighted than Mr. Magoo, so everything you did in 2011 is going to come back and haunt you in 2012. Here are five ways your 2011 entertainment choices will lead to more of the same:

(1) “The Lion King 3D” made $94 million.

“The Lion King 3D” was a smash hit despite the fact it’s more than a decade old and you probably own it on DVD, VHS, Laserdisc, or BetaMax. So what happens now? Well, the movies are already made so, in 2012, you’re getting “Beauty and the Beast 3D,” “Finding Nemo 3D”, “Titanic 3D” and “Star Wars: Episode I: #^!@#! Jar Jar Binks in 3D”. Yes, an even more annoying Jar-Jar is your fault because you wanted to sing Hakuna Matata and that is NOT a wonderful thing.

(2) You refuse to stop watching “Glee!”

Sure, the “Glee” movie bombed horribly (see HERE) and the ratings are in decline, but you’re still watching it and buying the singles. In fact, the cast of “Glee” already has more songs on the Billboard music chart than The Beatles ever did. See HERE (via KK).The cast of “Glee” has had more songs chart than the Beatles

So, what happens now? You’re getting “Joyful Noise”, a choir musical/dramedy/race riot film with Dolly “Country is Better, Honey!” Parton squaring off against Queen “No, it ain’t, bitch!” Latifah in a giant Jesus-inspired musical. And you’re getting “Rock of Ages”, the hair band musical starring Tom Cruise. And the clearer rip-off “Smash” on NBC, with “American Idol” wash-out Katherine McPhee as a singer trying to make it on Broadway with the help of Debra “Grace of Will & …” Messing. Maybe the new “Les Miserables” musical starring Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, and Russell Crowe will be good. Yes, you read those names correctly.

(3) Speaking of Jesus, “Courageous” was a huge hit in theatres.

Never heard of “Courageous”? Then, you’re probably too busy sinning and performing unspeakable acts of sodomy. “Courageous”, a heartwarming tale of why Evangelical Christians are far better people than you, cost $2 million and made $34 million (before the 100,000 DVDs bought by “Movie of the Month” church groups). So, what happens now? Tim Tebow won’t be the only one praying on your TV screen. Expect more Christian-amped entertainment, though the new 2012 TV show “Good Christian Bitches” should be more snarky than sanctimonious.

(4) Your favorite movie franchises are ending so … back to superheroes!

Harry Potter waved his wand for the last time and the Twilight cast is getting ready to put their shirts on and head into much less spectacular movie careers, so Hollywood knows it needs something big. With no superhero movie hitting big (“Thor” was the highest as the 8th biggest movie of 2011), Hollywood is set-up for an amazing superhero year. “The Dark Knight Rises” alone warrants an entire summer, but there’s also the much-hyped, much-anticipated “The Avengers” and “The Amazing Spider-man” getting its reboot. And that just includes traditional superheroes … “Men in Black 3” is also on its way, as are “G.I. Joe 2” and a Jason Bourne movie expected to be awful because it lacks … well … Jason Bourne. Matt Damon was too busy buying a zoo.

5) You refuse to accept new things.

In addition to all of the sequels listed in #4, let’s look at 2011’s top 5 films in order: (1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2; (2) Transformers: Dark of the Moon, (3) Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part I; (4) The Hangover Part II, and (5) Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

… notice a trend? No? Well, #6 is “Fast Five” and #7 is “Cars 2”. How about now? Hollywood knows you get scared of new things, so, don’t worry, you can return to the same-old, same-old with 27 franchise films in 2012, and the long anticipated “The Hobbit.” Heck, they’re making two movies based on Snow White (see HERE), NBC’s newest legal show is based on a book and movie more than 15 years old “(The Firm”) and there’s even a new movie starring Rihanna and Liam Neeson about the plot-heavy board game “BATTLESHIP!” Can’t wait for the “Mouse Trap” movie. I predict the budget is going to skyrocket when they can’t get the damn set to work.

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3 thoughts on “Five Things You Did to Change 2012

  1. Even my wife stopped watching Glee. You can do it! Watch a really bad Season 2 episode and it’ll help you rip off that glittery, a cappella band-aid.

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