I was wasting time on the internet the other day and I found something truly disturbing. Since I am assuming all of you have used the internet before I understand that I need to be more specific. Something is going on here. Something that I thought we were done with. Something horrible. What am I talking about? BOY BANDS! NOOOOOOOOO!
The site itself was Billboard.com and apparently they felt the need to create a list of the top 21 artists under the age of 21. It is a decidedly horrible list with predictable faces like Miley Cyrus, Scotty McCreary, and the detestable, but obvious, Justin Bieber. How could someone who has yet to see puberty have anything remotely interesting to say? But what made me the saddest is the number of boy bands on this list.
For as long as music has existed and girls have been able to scream there has been boy bands. That isn’t to say that good looking dudes who play music together must be unlistentable. Ever hear of the Beatles? Jackson 5? The Temptations? Yes, they were boy bands but they were musicians first.
The boy bands I am talking about are exactly who you are thinking of. Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, that one with the guy that dumb girl married. Those were dark times for culture in the United States. The grunge gods who were sporting flannel and avoiding the shower were replaced by bleach blonde mannequins in color-coordinated outfits. It was a dark time my friends. Lives were destroyed. Families torn apart. Mediocrity reigned!
Now, just when we thought were rid of them. A new threat is trying to shimmy back into our collective consciousness and I argue that this new group is worse. Why? Because they are so much younger and my god are they horrible. Meet…
Oh the horror! Terrible music and terrible haircuts abound! Why are we allowing this America? All you parents out there have the power to stop this nonsense. Guess who buys these garbage albums. Adolescent girls. Guess who has zero money. Adolescent girls. Wait…so how are they getting a hold of these albums? Crazed gangs of 7th graders knocking over Best Buy? God no. Their idiot parents give them the money. Its a simple solution: stop giving your culturally retarded children money to purchase garbage. Without money the middle aged sleazeballs who create these music murderers will be forced to move on. Its that simple. So, its on you parents. Like Smokey the Bear says, “Only you can prevent the continued cultural decline of America.”