Weekend Movie Preview: September 23 Edition

How does that picture make you feel? If you get a little excited and start to sweat, you either need to seek medical attention or you’re a pre-teen girl. If you start to get irritable and want to punch someone in the face, it doesn’t mean you have anger issues. It just means you despise Taylor Lautner and should continue reading this blog. You’ll fit in here, I promise. Taylor Lautner’s first starring role is in “Abduction” starting today in only 3,100 theaters and is the story of a man-boy who finds out that his life has been a lie.

Let’s take a second and reflect back on Taylor’s greatest film achievements:

1) uhh …

Ok, so there are none. Every thing he has ever touched has been embarrassing and Taylor Lautner is the acting version of director Uwe Boll (see here). Pre-teen girls don’t like dumb action movies and boys don’t like Taylor Lautner so “Abduction” will not be a runaway success. Let’s hope it completely fails, but it won’t because, for some reason, women love Taylor Lautner and his turn in the glitter-filled “Twilight” series (see this for more venting).

But, never fear, this weekend also offers what surprisingly might be one of the best movies of the year: “Moneyball.” Not just for baseball, Brad Pitt, and complex statistics fans anymore, “Moneyball” is supposedly a well-made sports drama earning some talk of Oscar. I wonder if it’s a good time for a baseball movie, though. Sure, fans are focused on the upcoming baseball playoffs, but weekends this time of year are filled with baseball, college football, and the NFL … not a lot of time for a guy to go see a movie. Maybe the ladies will pass on Taylor and go see Brad?

Then, there’s the Jason Statham film “Killer Elite,” also out today. Rather than make you read through my opinion again, just look at this week’s review. Critics are trashing it, but it was a fun and action-filled, but poorly written good time. And Jason Statham is much more impressive than Taylor Lautner in every way … every way.

There’s also “Dolphin Tale,” the inspirational story of how Ashley Judd and Harry Connick Jr. sought to rekindle their former careers through a handicapped dolphin.

And then there’s this limited release, soon to be on DVD gem called “Humans vs. Zombies”. It’s supposed to be God-awful, but here’s the plot description: “Students on summer break are exposed to a deadly virus, a neuroinvasive organism that is spread rapidly through direct human contact. The Infected are enslaved by the invading swarm intelligence and driven by an insatiable appetite to consume human flesh. Returning home, the infection spreads quickly to their fellow classmates and other unsuspecting townspeople. One by one, more and more fall victim to the plague, triggering an epidemic that spawns a horde of ravenous zombies. The zombie horde grows and spreads throughout the community. Amidst the chaos, a campus security guard, obsessed with conspiracy theories, leads a group of students to safety as they and a small band of uninfected townspeople set out to find other human survivors in an attempt to discover the source of the “zombie” virus and save the world.”

… if only the zombies could find Taylor Lautner and kill him, right?

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